


Succor

by debwalsh



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Sex, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Post-Mission, Semi-Public Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22842112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debwalsh/pseuds/debwalsh
Summary: After a difficult mission, Bucky proposes he and Steve burn off adrenaline by getting each other off in the locker room.It works.  It helps. Sometimes they do it again, sometimes they don’t.  It escalates, and each time it does, it seems like it should change who they are to each other.But it doesn’t.And they don’t talk about it.Until they have to.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 18
Kudos: 399





	Succor

**Author's Note:**

> So the first 4K of this story came pouring out of me a couple of months ago, demanding to be written. I literally wrote 4K in 90 minutes, and shared it with some friends. And then it stalled. I was stuck on the morning after. And earlier this week, it came to me so clearly, so sweetly - a lovely scene of flirty challenge and riposte. 
> 
> Then I started to write it, and what came out was completely different from what I’d planned. But I love it just the same.
> 
> I hope you do, too. Thanks, as always, to the gang for supporting me and letting me experiment and share ideas and snippets, even whole stories, long before anyone else sees them.

The first time it happens, Steve chalks it up to too much adrenaline overwhelming even the super serum. There they are, covered in alien guts and goo, having been pushed to their limits for over 72 hours, and having fought their way through cluster after clusterfuck of the ornery critters, all while trying to keep damages to a minimum, and ensure there are no civilian casualties. Steve’s not sure he’ll ever get the stink out of his nose, and he’s pretty sure that Bucky’s sporting alien spleen in his hair.He’s also pretty certain he’s got multiple broken ribs, a wrist sprain, and possibly a dislocated patella. Buck doesn’t look much better - a chunk of his prosthetic casing has torn away, revealing a maze of connections and tiny mechanical elements, all coated in oozing alien gut slime.

So they get to the locker room at the Tower about three hours after the rest of the team has already collapsed. Curse of the serum, they can keep going long after their non-enhanced teammates are flattened with exhaustion.It doesn’t mean they don’t get tired, because hell yes they do. But they can go a lot longer, and if they have a chance to refuel, they can get a second, third, and fourth wind. Both of them had taken to stuffing specially formulated energy bars in their uniforms, so yeah.Energizer bunnies and then some.

So there they are, blood fizzing with the combination of adrenaline, serum, and who knows what other neurochemicals and hormones or whatever.Buck just looks at Steve and then pushes him up against the bank of lockers, shoves his hand down Steve’s pants, and goes to town on him.

And it feels good.Fuck yeah, it feels good.Steve’s never had another man’s hand on his dick - hell, he’s rarely had anyone’s hand but his own - and it’s a revelation. The different angle, the calluses that formed over the course of a mission, only to disappear once the serum kicked in, the blunt nails, and oh God, the strength in that hand.Steve’s eyes roll back in his head as he groans out his appreciation.

“C’mon, Steve,” Bucky grunts, and Steve’s not sure if he’s being chastised for not returning the favor, or being urged to hit the finish line, so he aims to do both.He spits in the hand whose wrist is not sprained, then shoves it down Buck’s tac pants, wrapping his hand around the hard, hot flesh of Bucky’s cock (mental note: Wow!), takes a moment to note how different it feels to hold a cock from this angle, and starts stroking as hard and fast as he can.

Which, super soldier.It’s pretty hard, and it’s pretty fast, and before long Buck is panting into his shoulder and Steve is stuttering out “Uh-Uh-uhs” between gasps and whines. And then Buck shoves his pants down, practically tears Steve’s off, and their dicks are touching, sliding against each other as Bucky grabs them both in his big hand, so Steve joins him.

And oh my God, if he thought having Bucky’s hand on him was amazing, having his cock shoved up against Buck’s blood hot cock, all silky skin stretched tight over that rock hard rod ... it’s not long before they’re both spilling their loads over each other. And shit, that’s unfairly hot, but neither of them are gay, so they take a step back from each other, shake off the last drops of jizz from their pricks, each snag a towel from the stack and wipe off their hands.Then they shuck the rest of their clothes and head for the showers without another word.

But Steve feels more settled than he can remember after a tough mission, so he thinks Buck may be onto something. Next time he’s wired up tight after a mission, he’ll make sure he has a chance to rub one out to take the edge off.Because that’s all this is.

Right?

&&&

It’s more than a month before Steve and Bucky are on a long, tough mission together again.This time, it’s not aliens, but a zombie outbreak where they can’t kill anyone since there is a cure if they can hold the fuckers still long enough to inject it.Neither of them have mentioned that interlude in the locker room, and it hasn’t had any effect on their relationship.Steve has taken to closeting himself upon return to base for a quick wank, and while it doesn’t have the same impact as that time with Buck, he does find it helps him transition from full combat mode back to normal.He sleeps better, too.

So they’ve been in the field a good four days at this point, holding back the whole time so none of the victims get hurt, but constantly dodging infection, and constantly trying to protect uninfected civilians.Finally, Tony came up with a way to distribute the cure as an aerosol, and when he delivers a payload covering a wide dispersal area, they finally get to ratchet down a notch.Some clean-up, some heavy lifting, and they are finally on a flight back to New York.

They are wired for sound the entire trip home.Edgy, short-tempered, fidgety.Nat tells them she’s gonna put them in a time out if they don’t behave, and when the QuinJet touches down on the roof of the Tower, everyone gives them a wide berth, leaving them to their locker room on their own.

They’re no sooner alone in the locker room when Buck turns to Steve and growls, “I need to fuck you.”

Which, okay, that’s new. And Steve is admittedly curious, but he’s not sure how he got to be the bottom here. Then Bucky adds, “Then you fuck me,” and Steve’s on board with the idea.

“Slick? Rubbers?”

“I keep lube on me for the arm. Stark stocks condoms over in the first aid kit.”

“First aid?”

“Guess he thinks sex is therapeutic.Don’t know about you, but I started jacking it after that time. Chills me the fuck out.”

“Yeah, me too.So how’s this gonna work?”

They figure it out, after a fashion, and surprisingly, once they get over the issues of stretching and inserting, and angles and stuff, it’s really not bad. Especially when Buck wraps his hand around Steve’s dick, pumping it in rhythm to his thrusts.They don’t come at the same time, but it’s pretty close.All in all, it’s a pretty satisfactory orgasm, and Steve realizes he has another one to look forward to.

He more or less mimics what Bucky did, but doesn’t go fast enough to suit his best friend, so he just goes hands free when Buck turns around to roll the condom down his prick, lubes it up, and then turns around again to line the head of Steve’s cock with his hole.“Your cock, in me.Got it, Rogers?”

Steve has to chuckle at how impersonal it sounds. “Steve, get me a carmel macchiato.”“Steve, shove your dick in me.”

No wonder people think they’re weird.

But oh God does Bucky feel good around his cock as he guides it slowly into him.Then Buck huffs impatiently and Steve shoves forward, feeling the muscles resist, hold, and then release, letting him in.He nearly passes out from how good it feels.

“Stop sightseein’ and start fucking, punk,” Bucky orders, but Steve can hear the strain in his voice.He’s feeling kind of stretched thin right now, too, strung out on sensation, wanting everything at once.

Then he pulls back and pushes in again, speeding up to catch a rhythm, faster, harder, fingers digging into the soft flesh of Bucky’s hips, moving to squeeze and pinch at the meat of his ass cheeks.Then he reaches around, grabs hold of Buck’s dick, and pumps.

When Bucky’s ass starts contracting as Bucky’s orgasm approaches, Steve is momentarily worried his dick is gonna break off from the pressure.And then the most spectacular orgasm of his life is ripped out of him, and he fills the condom.And he keeps coming, wondering if he’s going to spill out of it. How would Buck feel if he got spunk in his ass, or even on it?And why does that make Steve twitch where he’s buried in Bucky’s ass?

Finally, Buck comes back to himself, and shoves back at Steve, signaling it’s time to get outta him and get on with the day.

&&&

They don’t talk about it.They don’t always go on missions together - sometimes they are assigned to different teams at the same time.Sometimes an op only really needs one super soldier.Sometimes Steve has one of those god-awful personal appearances.Sometimes the missions really are easy and quick, and they don’t have that adrenaline and whatever overload to deal with.So they don’t always fuck.They don’t always touch each other at all, save for a hand on a shoulder, a clap on the back.A hug if things got dicey and they’re relieved the other came home safe.

And then there’s the time they hit the locker room and Bucky looks at Steve with something new in his eyes.And Steve is excited, curious, and maybe a little concerned.Nothing has changed who they are to each other so far. What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room. No one knows, and they don’t discuss it between them.

Then Bucky smirks at Steve and drops to his knees, face inches from Steve’s crotch, hand hovering over Steve’s zipper.The air shifts and changes, and Steve feels like they are standing on the edge of a precipice,

“Can I, Steve?”

Steve is hard in an instant, and all he can do is nod.But inside, he is screaming.

How can this not change who they are to each other? How do they walk back from this?

Then all he knows is the glorious wet heat of Bucky’s mouth on him, and he forgets his own name.

&&&

When Steve comes back to his senses, he’s still a heaving, panting mess, propped bonelessly against the wall Buck had shoved him up against.Buck himself is half-passed out against his hip, his breath hot and wet against Steve’s overstimulated dick.Steve can’t do much more than paw at Bucky’s head, more a feeble congratulatory pat than anything more coherent.It takes every functional brain cell in his head to rasp out, “Wow,” before he falls silent again, letting his head thunk back against the wall while his other hand sort of flails ineloquently.

“Right back at’cha,” Bucky whispers hoarsely, lifting his head with effort.“Fuckin’ wow.” he adds, his voice thoroughly wrecked.

Steve feels a grin pull at his mouth, but it dims as he realizes he’s done nothing for Buck.“Uh, d’you want me to return the favor ...?”

Bucky settles back on his heels, and glances down at the limp dick still held in his hand.He shakes the last few drops of jizz off, letting them splatter on the floor around the spreading puddle - big puddle, wow - of cum.He grins as he looks back up at Steve then.“Nah, I’m good.Chinese?”

“Huh?”

Buck levers himself shakily to his feet, wiping his cum-coated hand on his tac pants while he swipes the back of his metal hand over his mouth to catch the last dribble of cum - Steve’s cum, his brain flatlines - off his lips.Lips that are shiny and red and swollen and why does Steve find that so hot? Lips that stretch over a wide grin as Bucky looks at Steve with mischief dancing his eyes.“Chinese.Food.Dunno bout you, but I’ve worked up an appetite.Or we could do Thai.Not in the mood for Mexican.And I definitely don’t wanna do the team buffet.Just wanna chow down and settle in on the couch and binge something frilly and mindless.Whaddya say, punk?You, me, a take-out feast, and six, seven hours of Netflix?I’ll even let you pick the show.”

So.They weren’t going to talk about it this time, either.So Steve shrugs and grins.“The Witcher?”

“You got somethin’ for Henry Cavill’s ass, Steve? Eh, it’s a good ass.You’re on.”Buck shimmies out of his clothes and tosses them in the wash pile, grabs a disinfecting wipe and cleans up the mess on the floor, and struts off to the shower, naked as anything.

“Order me a stack of egg rolls!” he calls over his shoulder, and then all Steve can hear is the sound of water running.

Steve shucks his own suit and tosses it on top of Buck’s, then takes out his phone and pulls up GrubHub to repeat their standard order, tosses the phone back in his cubby, and follows Bucky into the shower area.Within minutes, the pair of them are belting out the chorus of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, segueing seamlessly to Single Ladies, and closing their impromptu set with Uptown Funk ...

So yeah.They still don’t talk about it.

&&&

It had been a no-brainer for Steve and Bucky to share a floor when Buck came back, and they’ve been living in each other’s back pockets again for more than a year.They spend a lot of time together, sometimes watching movies or TV shows, sometimes arguing over sports, sometimes sitting quietly, each doing their own thing - Steve with his art, Buck reading or working on a craft project.They each have quiet-time activities that their respective therapists encourage, and they are most productively pursued when they are together - neither can relax to the same degree as they can when it’s just them, and neither can shut down the hyper vigilance except when each knows the other has his six.So they help and support each other in more ways than either can count.In a strange new world, they are still each other’s anchor, their port in the storm of unfamiliar terrain, strange rituals, and unknown challenges.And the best damned lookouts in this or any other theatre of war.

They can also be outstandingly disgusting around each other, and there’s no one who can complain.Well, Nat and Sam complain - loudly - if they show up unannounced, but neither Steve nor Bucky have any remorse if they show up without invitation.Intruders get no opinion rights, and all that.

So when it’s just the two of them, dishes might pile up, table manners might be foregone, pants might be torn or missing all together, and shirts are definitely optional.In the confines of their shared space, they are unabashedly themselves, whether that means boyishly boorish, quiet and settled, rowdy and raunchy, or tremulously terrified.Neither has left the ice behind entirely, and neither lives a life free of nightmares.Here in their shared space, however, they can give into the fear, ride it out until they come out the other side, rather than hide their fragility, maintain a stiff upper lip, or put on a public face that hides the reality of who they each are.

It means that when they are at home, artifice falls way, and the stress of acting a part sloughs away right along with it, leaving them each free to handle their shit without the added pressure of looking like they don’t actually have any shit to handle.

And yet, Steve still wonders at the things that happen in the locker room.Buck never mentions them once they’re done, and if he doesn’t, Steve doesn’t see a reason why he should.But sometimes he wonders.

Like ... If he likes Bucky’s dick, does that mean he’s gay?Or maybe he’s bi?It’s not like he dreams about the thing ... but he does think about it occasionally.How good it feels to be filled with it, how hot it feels in his hand.How Bucky’s body both closes around him and welcomes him in.The face that Bucky makes when he cums, the noises that are punched out him with each thrust.

And if those stray thoughts make him hard while he’s slumped down on the couch next to Buck while they binge another season of Supernatural, he just shifts slightly so the blanket drapes just right, and grabs another fistful of popcorn.

He doesn’t know if Bucky gives their ... trysts ... any thought at all.He doesn’t know if they are important to him.

But he’s starting to think that they just might be to him.He’s not sure if that’s a problem or not.Because they just don’t talk about it.

&&&

Steve doesn’t date, beyond the odd dinner he allows Nat to bully him into.He never brings anyone home.Home is a sacred space, shared only with Bucky, and when they choose, their friends.Even Tony respects their privacy, and he owns the building and foots the bill for almost every aspect of their lives. 

As for Bucky, he flirts.Once he came back to himself, it was really the first sign of the reemergence of Bucky 1.0.He flirts on auto-pilot, shameless and thoughtless to the hearts he breaks when the flirting never amounts to anything.There are no dates made, no partners chosen.He flirts, he enjoys the game, and he assumes the other person does, too.And then he turns away and follows Steve wherever Steve goes next.

But recently, Steve has noticed that Bucky is flirting more.Not more intensely, but more often.With men as well as women.It’s playful, light, easy to ignore if the recipient isn’t interested.Bucky seems more open, more friendly.More the fella Steve knew before the war.Sometimes the recipient isn’t really interested, and it doesn’t take long for Buck to dial it back.He seems to have a sixth sense about when such behavior would be unwelcome, and it makes Steve look twice at a couple of guys in their support teams.He mentally flags them to watch, to make sure they aren’t a problem when it comes to staff who fall outside the white cis male model. 

The one thing that hasn’t changed about Steve Rogers is his unwillingness to humor bigots and assholes.And he’s not about to start tolerating homophobes on his team now.

But thankfully, there aren’t any incidents, and he doesn’t feel he needs to warn Bucky about his flirtatious behavior. 

What worries him is when he starts to see a couple of the guys flirt back, and Bucky seems both engaged and enthusiastic.

Steve was never jealous of the girls who got his pal’s attention back in the day.He might have spared a moment of envy for how easily it all seem to come to Bucky, but he never begrudged any of them their moment of happiness with Buck, or him the pleasure of their company.

But when a fella gives Buck the once over and flirts right back, lets his fingers trail up Bucky’s forearm, steps a little closer into his space ...

Well, Steve isn’t quite sure what he feels, but he doesn’t entirely like it.

Bucky laughs it off, grins brightly, and still he follows Steve wherever Steve goes next.But Steve has to wonder if he circles back to get the guy’s number, or set up a date.

And yeah, Steve’s not sure how he feels about that. 

He wants Buck to be happy.To have all the things he wants and needs to make his life complete, satisfying.Happy.

But a part of Steve has long felt that they could be that for each other.That the two super soldiers would grow old together, two gentlemen out of time, sharing life experience that no one else could claim.

But that was selfish, Steve knows.Bucky has a right to happiness that didn’t involve Steve.With someone else entirely.

And yet, like Steve, Bucky doesn’t go out - not even on dates bullied by Natasha.And he doesn’t seem to collect numbers - if he does, Steve doesn’t see him use them.And he never brings anyone home, other than their friends.And that Parker kid.Everybody’s adopted him at this point.

It’s just Steve and Bucky, in their own little bubble, with the occasional hand job, fuck, or suck job, always in the locker room.And then after, showers, take out, and TV.

And still they don’t talk about it.

&&&

One of the things that is a part of their reality is nightmares.They both get them, although thankfully, it’s rare that they’re both hit at the same time.But nightmares visit them each in the quiet and the dark, bringing ice and terror and paranoia.Sleep becomes impossible, and they’re both grateful that they both recognized early on that it’s easier to come back from the abyss when they can rely on each other.

So it’s not uncommon that one or the other of them will end up bunking with the other in the aftermath of a nightmare.Sometimes it’s just to sit on the edge of the bed until the horror subsides.Sometimes, one will crawl into bed with the other, just to be near the heat of another body.Rarely, they’ll talk it through, give voice to the fear, expose the rotten core of it to the air, and release it so they’re free of the burden.

But Steve and Bucky don’t talk about stuff like that, either, despite the urgings of their respective therapists.They prefer the tried and true method of keeping it all bottled up and bulling their way through until they just overcome it all.

So far, it seems to have worked for them.

Sort of.

So when Bucky knocks softly on Steve’s half-open door at four in the morning, his stuffed Toothless hanging from his prosthetic hand and deep bags under his eyes, Steve rouses from sleep, reaches to turn on the light, and sits up in bed to regard him in silence.Then he pats the bed next to him, and Bucky sighs in relief, dragging himself into the room, carefully peeling back the covers, and sliding into the bed on the other side, a respectable distance between them.

It seems so oddly prudish, the space between them, when each has been balls deep inside the other.But that’s in the locker room, in the buzzy, adrenaline fueled moments after battle or a long mission, not in the bedroom, after dreams or imagination or memories have gutted one of them and set their whole super-serumed body on edge.

Testosterone and endorphins belong to the locker room.

Epinephrine and cortisol are the hormones most likely for Steve and Bucky’s respective bedrooms.

Wouldn’t those bloggers and feature magazines love to know that the most eligible Avengers slept alone, often in the grip of crippling fear, frozen by terrors remembered and imagined?

But now, Bucky is settling into the bed beside Steve, scooching down so he is curled in a fetal ball next to Steve, Toothless clutched tightly under his chin as he shuffles to get comfortable.

It isn’t that the bed isn’t comfortable - Tony had made it his mission to design the most comfortable mattress imaginable for each of them.It’s that Bucky’s muscles are tight with tension, his body poised to strike back against the source of fear, as though it were a living thing he could somehow strike against.

Sometimes it’s harder when the thing that frightened was in their minds.It’s harder to banish.Nearly impossible to vanquish.

So it isn’t easy to find a position that doesn’t hurt in some way when you’re feeling wound up tight and ready for a fight.

“Okay now?” Steve asks softly, curbing the urge to reach out and rest his hand on Bucky’s trembling shoulder.

“Better.With you.”

“Hmm,” Steve replies, but inside he’s breaking.“Okay if I turn off the light?”

Bucky’s silent for a moment, so Steve doesn’t reach for the switch.It’s not like the light is any kind of protection from the demons that lurk on the other side of sleep.But it’s easier to wake to the light when you can see that they haven’t followed you back.He takes Bucky’s continued silence as notice it’s one of those kind of nights, and he snuggles back down, pulling the covers up over both their shoulders, rolling over so he’s facing Bucky, his own hands drawn up under his chin.

“This okay?” he asks softly.Bucky nods.“Wanna talk about it?” Steve asks, because his therapist encourages him to talk about the things that bother him, the things that frighten him.The things that immobilize him and make him question his own sanity.

He’d rather not, thank you very much.But still she urges.So he asks.

Bucky shakes his head slightly, more a shuffle of his head against the pillow.Steve smiles faintly, and whispers, “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Bucky breathes then, and Steve relaxes, knowing he made the right call.

“Welcome. You know I’d do anything for you, Buck.”

A small smile quirks at Bucky’s lips then, a breathy chuckle. “I know, punk. Same, you know?”

“I do,” Steve replies, a soft smile tugging at his lips, too.

Then Bucky unfurls a little, releasing his murder grip on Toothless enough to slide his flesh hand across the bed to reach for Steve’s. It’s not even a decision for Steve to slide his broad palm into Bucky’s hand, or to grasp tightly like he’s afraid Bucky will slip out of his grasp again. When Bucky quietly moves so their fingers entwine, Steve just watches fondly.And when Bucky lifts their joined hands to his lips and brushes a kiss over Steve’s knuckles, Steve is silent, even though his body is suddenly bow-taut, his senses abruptly on high alert.

And when Bucky asks, his voice quiet and small, “Is this okay?” Steve can only answer a faint, “Yes.”Because he doesn’t know how to say no to Bucky Barnes, not in this life or any other.

They’ve never kissed before.They’ve fucked, and sucked, and gotten each other off in myriad ways. But they’ve never kissed.But now that Bucky’s lips press gently against Steve’s, Steve knows that this is something he’s always wanted - to kiss, to worship, to know.To be as close to Bucky as is humanly possible.And so one kiss turns into ten. And fingers touch, and hands roam. Skin is exposed, cradled safe and warm. They move as though following a melody running through their veins.

And this time, there is no post-mission buzz, no blood alight with adrenaline, no fight to purge.This time, there is only them, offering and taking, little gasps and bigger moans, pleasure shared, given freely, a sacrament between them.

And when they’re done, Steve rolls over to grab a couple of wipes from his bedside table, and reaches for the light switch on the lamp.“Okay to turn out the light?” he asks.

And Bucky murmurs dreamily, a yes that sounds more like a promise. So Steve turns off the light, rolls over to run the wipe quickly over their skin where the mess landed, and then he tosses it aside, suddenly unsure.

But Bucky reaches for him then, burrows into him, whole, and sleepy, and warm. They tangle and embrace.And sleep tugs at them both, curled in each other’s arms.

And they don’t talk about it.

But this time, it feels like maybe they’ve spoken with something other than words.

So Steve surrenders to sleep, breathing in the distinctive scent that is Bucky, relaxing into his arms as he feels the tension drain away completely from Buck. And then he falls asleep, too, dreamless and deep.

&&&

Steve wakes gradually, the morning light an expanding glow beyond his closed eyelids.He stretches languidly, feeling calmer, looser, than normal, and smiles to himself.He doesn’t often get a really good night’s sleep, and he rarely wakes up truly rested.But this morning ... he snuggles down further under the covers, then freezes as he realizes he’s not alone in the bed.

His eyes flash open and he turns his head slowly, gingerly, to look at the figure next to him.

Bucky.

Bucky looks equal parts beautiful and dorky lying next to him, his face half-smushed into the pillow, an obvious trickle of drool joining his lip (still pouty, still red from kissing, still ... ungf!) to the stain on Steve’s 600 count Egyptian cotton pillowcase. Maybe Steve’ll make Buck do the laundry if he’s gonna ruin perfectly good sheets -

And Steve has a sudden image of other ways Bucky could ruin Steve’s sheets, and he has the sudden urge to hold his breath and count to 10, willing the image away.

His chest tightens and he feels a phantom slice of pain, reminiscent of the ache of his arrhythmia long since corrected by the serum.He wills himself to relax.

It’s just Bucky.Bucky with his long lashes, his ridiculous cheekbones, his dark hair a tangled mess from sleep and ... Steve’s fingers.He remembers the feel of Bucky’s hair, soft, smooth, curling around his fingers, running through them, tightening at the scalp to drag him closer ...

Steve fists both hands so he doesn’t reach out and touch that hair again.He holds himself rigid so he doesn’t roll over and start kissing that sinful - and yeah, kinda gross - mouth.

He isn’t doing so good at the relaxing, to be honest.And it shouldn’t be this way.Because it’s Bucky lying next to him.It isn’t that unusual for Buck to be here when Steve wakes up.

After a bad dream, or when one of them gets caught up in their own head with no escape, it’s not unusual for one of them to end up in bed with the other.To sleep through to morning, if sleep is possible.

But last night ... last night hadn’t been like other nights.Last night ...

Last night was different.There’d been no mission, no fight, no excuse of adrenaline.There’d been a nightmare, though - is Bucky using sex to purge the horror?

Okay, Steve can accept that.That doesn’t need to change anything about them if that’s the case.

But is it?

He doesn’t know.They don’t talk about it.

“You’re thinkin’ too hard.Gonna hurt yourself,” Bucky murmurs then, smacking his lips and wrinkling his nose as he separates himself from the trail of drool.“Ugh.”Then he lifts his head and opens his eyes, lines crinkling at the corners as a smile overtakes his face.“Hey,” he says then, his expression soft.

“Hey,” Steve replies, turning his head on his pillow to look at Bucky properly.“Feel better?”

“Feel amazing.Think you might just be the cure for my insomnia,” he adds, his smile broadening, shifting to reach for Steve with his metal arm.

And Steve shifts back from him, shuffling toward the edge of the bed.

Bucky frowns, drawing his hand back even as he lifts himself up to prop himself up on his elbow.“Steve?”

Steve just stares at him for a long, silent moment, his head a mass of noise as he fights his fight or flight reflex.Bucky draws an unsteady breath, and reaches out again, laying his prosthetic hand on Steve’s exposed elbow.

And the touch seems to anchor him, silence the noise suddenly.And so he blurts, “What are we?” in a raspy, broken voice.He doesn’t even recognize the voice as his own, even as he feels the pain of loss looming right before him.

“Whaddya mean?”

Whaddya mean?What does he mean?Shit.This means using his words, and Steve ... Steve isn’t sure he can.He feels like he’s back standing on the edge of the mountain, waiting for Zola’s train to come zooming into view.And if he makes the wrong move again, if he doesn’t reach out the right way ... if he says the wrong thing ... he’ll lose Bucky again.And maybe this time it will be for good.

But he’s asked the question.Opened the box. 

He has to see this through.

They don’t talk about.

But they have to.

Once and for all.

They have to use their words.Both of them.

“What are we to each other?Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends -“

“What do you want us to be?” Bucky interrupts, the faint whir of the arm’s plates giving away his own sudden tension.

Okay.So Steve isn’t the only one who’s confused.And maybe finally they’ll talk about it.

“You started it,” Steve says, feeling the frustration build up and boil over suddenly.“What do you think we are?”

“I started it?Wha-”

“Yeah. First time you shoved your hand down my pants and grabbed my junk.Why?What’d you want from me?”

Bucky draws a shuddery breath in, expels it slowly, and closes his eyes.“Does it have to be more complicated than just wanting to make you feel good?For us to feel good together?”

“Is that all this is?” Steve asks in a whisper.

Bucky rears back like Steve slapped him, and Steve finds himself lurching forward to reach out for him, only to have Bucky shake his head.Steve contains himself, waiting for Bucky’s answer.“Is that all?All?Do you realize how big this is for me?Hydra didn’t let the Asset have a good time.Anybody who touched the Asset wasn’t looking to make it feel good.For me to ... be intimate, with anybody ... you’re the only one I trust, Steve.The only one I can be trusted with ...”

“So friends with benefits.Just helping each other out.Til something better comes along,” Steve says then, feeling his stomach churn sourly.Bucky is right - considering what he’s been through, just letting someone touch him is a big deal. And being intimate and vulnerable with someone takes a lot of trust.So he can do that for Bucky, he can.He just didn’t realize before that moment that he’d been hoping for more.

“Ye-yeah.If that’s what you want,” Bucky agrees then, his voice quiet, small.Pained.

“Is it what you want?” Steve asks then, turning so he could search Bucky’s face for a clue to the truth.

“I want ... “

“Yeah?”

“Nah, it’s nothing -“

“Buck, I gotta know.”

“Steve ...”

“You’re my best friend, Buck.My brother.The most important person in my life.The world.I can be ... that ... if that’s what you want.I can be ... more ... if that’s what you want.”

“It is what you want?”

They aren’t getting anywhere with this.Neither of them want to hurt the other.Neither of them want to demand more of the other.

But Steve feels like he finally knows what he want.They’ve been dancing around each other for months, acting like what’s between them is purely physical and not anything that can change who they are together.

That’s wrong, though.

It can never be just purely physical between them.And it doesn’t change who they are together ... because it’s grown out of who they are together.Who they’ve always been together.

Steve scoots back so he can sit with his back against the headboard.Bucky straightens slowly so he’s seated, facing Steve. Neither speaks for a long moment, but the expression on Bucky’s face is strained, worried even.

“I want you,” Steve says finally.Because that was the truth of it.“I want you however I can have you.If all you want is friendship, a helping hand, friends with benefits, yeah.Okay.I can do that.But if you want more, if you want to build something together, something more than what we already have ... then I’m with you, Buck.I’m with you til the end of the line, til the cows come home, til the fucking fat lady sings.I’m with you until the goddamned stars burn out.So what the fuck do you have to say to that, huh?”

Bucky sits there blinking at Steve, a slow, stunned movement that seems like he’s moving through jelly, or one of those weird fields Tony sometimes would turn on just to piss off Strange.

The voice that speaks then is small, strangled, breathless.“I want ... that.I want that.I want you.”

It’s Steve’s turn to be silent, to stare, open-mouthed, feeling his heart pound out of his chest and his mind go momentarily blank.And then he hits the hard reboot and he nods.“You have me,” he says simply, and reaches for Bucky.

They meet in the middle, in the most satisfactory ways possible.

And they learn to use their words, to talk about it, to put a ring on it, and to share vows both heartfelt and true.They learn the value of I and Love and You.And once they each say it for the first time, they can’t stop saying it, at the risk of repeating themselves, but always, always with perfect and sincere clarity.

END

**Author's Note:**

> It’s Fandom Trumps Hate season! And this year it’s also Fandom for Australia! I’m donating Stuck fic for both auctions to help raise money for social justice and recovery from the Australian bushfires. Check me out at the Tumblrs for fandomtrumpshate and fandomforoz - come bid on me the last week of February 2020!


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